


i just wanted you to know that this is me trying

by theskywasgold



Category: Silicon Valley (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Panic Attacks, Post-Finale, like it's a few sentences, me projecting onto Richard Hendricks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:06:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27749491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theskywasgold/pseuds/theskywasgold
Summary: On the 16th day, the dam breaks, and reality bursts through. It crashes into his chest and squeezes his lungs. It slithers up his spine and coils around his neck. It makes its way into his skull and nests in his brain. It’s in his mouth, his nose, his ears. For a few seconds (minutes? hours?) it blinds him, it deafens him, and the whole world fades away.After the disastrous Pied Piper launch, Richard falls into a depressive episode. Jared helps him through it.
Relationships: Jared Dunn/Richard Hendricks
Comments: 11
Kudos: 37





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this fic is almost entirely me projecting my own situation on Richard because I Am Him and He Is Me. the sexual content is in chapter 3 and it is not explicit but i wouldn't read it to my parents yk? anyway i hope you enjoy!

For the first 15 days after the ashes of the one thing that he never gave up on are all swept away, Richard is strangely okay. He knows he shouldn’t be okay, he knows he should be mourning the loss of Pied Piper, but his brain simply refuses to. He thinks maybe it’s because he finally doesn’t have to stress. He thinks maybe it’s because he did the right thing ( _he made the world a better place_ ) and because, even though nobody knows, he is some sort of a hero. He thinks maybe it’s because he never really cared. But he _knows_ it’s because it hasn’t sunk in yet.

Pied Piper never went two weeks without some sort of disaster. He thinks of it as a giant, ugly, dark cloud that hung over them wherever they went. But it was stratocumulus; it never released more than a light rain. And when the rain ended, it didn’t take long to dry off and move on. _It’s just a light rain_ his brain whispers; _it’s not over yet_.

But it isn’t a light rain. It’s a giant bolt of lightning, and Pied Piper is the unlucky tree that got blown up from the inside. He isn’t going to wake up one day with an idea that saves everything. There isn’t going to be a miracle. He did it; he made exactly what he wanted to make and that ended up being what finally killed it. 

But for the first 15 days, none of that feels real. It’s not like he’s in denial; he knows that it’s over for good but it just doesn’t feel like it is. And as hard as he tries, he can’t make it feel like it is. _You’re doing so well_ , people tell him; _you’re handling this so well_. _I’m not handling it at all_ , he wants to tell them, but he doesn’t because he likes that it makes them feel better. He thinks it’s probably a good thing. But at night he feels suffocated by fear, because he knows that one day it is going to sink in and he has no idea what to expect.

Jared watches him with worried eyes and it makes Richard want to throw up. He knows Jared can tell something isn’t right, because of course he can. Jared knows everything about him. Jared knows when Richard is going to throw up before he even knows, like some sort of seizure dog. He can’t hide anything from Jared, so he starts to avoid him which makes him feel awful because it makes Jared feel awful and he’s sorry but he just can’t handle the way he looks at him like a ticking time bomb. 

On the 16th day, the dam breaks, and reality bursts through. It crashes into his chest and squeezes his lungs. It slithers up his spine and coils around his neck. It makes its way into his skull and nests in his brain. It’s in his mouth, his nose, his ears. For a few seconds (minutes? hours?) it blinds him, it deafens him, and the whole world fades away. 

When it comes back, he finds himself on the bathroom floor hyperventilating and rocking back and forth. He doesn’t know what to do, who to call. He doesn’t think he could use a phone if he tried. So he closes his eyes and recites pi in his (oxygen deprived) head until his breathing slows down and he’s able to stand. He looks in the mirror ( _mistake mistake mistake_ ) and wonders when he started looking that old and tired and hopeless. He watches as a tear glides down his cheek, and then another and another until he’s sobbed out what feels like all of the fluid in his body.

He goes to the fridge and gets a bottle of water. The stream of cold water courses down his throat, and momentarily reminds him that he is real. He decides maybe it’s better if he isn’t. He makes his way to the couch and sits down. Turns on the TV but doesn’t watch it. Lets himself drift away from his own body.

And then ten days go by. Logically, Richard knows that he experienced those days. That he did things, like eat and go to the bathroom and sleep, but he doesn’t remember doing any of it. He gets a few calls and texts from his friends (surprisingly few from Jared) asking if he’s okay and he means to respond to them, he really does, but he can’t bring himself to do it. He doesn't know what he would say. 

But one night he wakes up at 4 am to his phone ringing and he’s too tired to remember not to answer it. It’s Jared and he’s crying and Richard doesn’t understand why and he’s babbling something about _so worried_ and _thought you were dead_ and Richard realizes that none of his friends have heard from him in ten days and he hadn’t considered how that might look.

_Jared_ , he croaks in a voice hoarse from sleep and lack of use, _Jared it’s okay, I’m okay, I’m alive_ but Jared only cries harder and then apologizes for crying and then cries more and Richard doesn’t know what to do but sit there with guilt gnawing at his stomach like a tapeworm. He needs him to stop crying, he needs him to stop so he asks him if he wants to come over and Jared says _of course, of course_ and then the line goes dead and Richard can finally breathe again.

Until a few moments later when he realizes what he’s done and that his apartment is a mess and he looks awful and probably doesn’t smell much better and Jared has seen him at his worst _but he’s never been this bad before_. He throws some trash away, considers taking a shower but isn’t sure he has time, settles for some deodorant and a fresh hoodie, and then waits and tries to find something to do with his hands. 

Sooner than expected ( _Jared always exceeds expectations_ ) Richard hears a knock at the door, somehow both tentative and urgent at the same time. He takes a deep breath and opens the door and there’s Jared and his hands and his eyes and he looks like a mess but it doesn’t matter because he looks like _home_. And before he even knows he’s doing it, Richard stumbles forward and wraps his arms around him and Richard doesn't hug but right now he needs nothing more than for Jared to hold him and rub his back and breathe softly that _it’s going to be okay Richard, you’re going to be okay_. 

When Richard finally pulls away he sees that Jared’s shirt is wet where his face had been pressed up against it. He didn’t even realize he had been crying. He might be embarrassed if he wasn’t so tired. He realizes they’re still standing in the doorway and he brings Jared inside and Jared offers to make him tea and Richard knows he’s supposed to say no but he’s too tired to protest so Jared makes him tea. And they sit in the kitchen and they don’t talk and it doesn’t make Richard nervous. 

_I thought you were avoiding me. I would have come sooner but I thought you didn’t want to see me_. Jared’s eyes are glistening and Richard’s throat is dry and he opens his mouth to say something but there just aren’t any words. So he just looks helplessly at Jared and hopes he’ll miraculously gain the power of telepathy. _But then I asked Dinesh and Gilfoyle how you were and they said they hadn’t heard from you and oh, Richard I was so scared_. Richard whispers apologies, knows they aren’t enough.

_Jared, I’m tired._

_Have you been having trouble sleeping? Do you need something to help you sleep? I’m sure I can find something I’ll start looking right away Richard I’ll-_

_No, Jared I- I mean, thank you, but I didn’t mean like- I meant- Jared I’m **tired**._ And he looks his friend in the eyes and silently pleads with him to understand. And he does. Because he’s Jared and he understands Richard better than Richard understands himself. And he doesn’t say anything, because there’s nothing to say, but they sit together in mutual understanding and drink their tea.

They decide to watch a movie. _The Phantom Menace_ because Richard needs Jared to see how terrible it is. Jared says he doesn’t like making fun of other people’s work but by 20 minutes in Richard is making him crack up and the sight of Jared with his head thrown back and his face scrunched in an open-mouth belly laugh, lit by the sun that is just beginning to rise, makes Richard feel something he hasn’t felt in a long time and he begins to laugh too until they’re both doubled over with laughter not even sure what they’re laughing at anymore.

When Richard falls asleep with his head on Jared’s shoulder he feels light for the first time in ten days.


	2. Chapter 2

After that morning in Richard’s apartment, Jared takes it upon himself to look after Richard. Richard feels incredibly guilty (and embarrassed; he’s a grown man who needs to be reminded to eat and shower) but Jared insists he couldn’t stop him if he tried. Days turn into weeks turn into months, or at least Richard thinks so, but time has started to run together recently. Eventually, Dinesh and Gilfoyle stop texting. Richard isn’t angry, or even hurt; he can’t blame them for giving up on him. Everyone is giving up on him. He’s giving up on himself. Everyone is giving up on him and they _should_ because he can’t even get out of bed before noon most days and he isn’t getting better.

Jared doesn’t give up on him. Jared comes to his apartment every day to make sure he eats or to coax him into bathing. It’s like he just _knows_ when Richard is spiraling because he’s always there to catch him before he falls too deep. He can’t fix him ( _Richard sees how badly he wants to fix him and wants to be fixed just so that Jared will never look at him like that again_ ) but he can sit with him and watch TV until the sadness loosens its grip enough for Richard to be alone. 

Every night before he leaves, Jared offers to stay. Every night, Richard says no. He says that he needs privacy, that he appreciates it but he’s not on suicide watch. He says Jared shouldn’t have to do that for him, that he’ll be more comfortable at home. He doesn’t say that every time he watches Jared walk out the door his entire body is screaming for him to stay. He doesn’t say that he wants Jared to stay so bad that it fucking scares him. He doesn’t say that he’s afraid that if Jared stays they’ll go down _that_ path and they can’t do that because Jared doesn’t deserve that. Jared deserves so much better.

Jared suggests that Richard should see a therapist, so he does because he thinks it’ll make Jared happy. His therapist has kind eyes and nods a lot whenever he talks, and she says a lot of things that are probably helpful but he forgets them as soon as he leaves. He feels bad because he knows she wants to help him but he doesn’t think she can.

He gets a prescription for Zoloft and Jared makes sure he takes it every day. He starts crying less, which seems good until it isn’t and he’s sitting on the edge of his bed with his arms wrapped around himself because he feels like there’s something in his chest desperately trying to get out. He feels numb, which he thinks should feel better than feeling sad but it doesn’t. One day, without consciously deciding to do it, he drops the pill down his sleeve when Jared isn’t looking. He’s pretty sure that you’re not supposed to just go off antidepressants cold turkey but can it really get any worse?

He finds out soon that it can. When Jared gets to his apartment he’s curled up in bed with all the lights off. He hears Jared calling his name but can’t bring himself to answer. His whole body feels like absolute garbage and mentally he feels even worse. He hears a hint of panic in Jared’s voice and he knows he should answer, he knows he’s causing unnecessary distress and he should put an end to it but he can’t make his mouth move. 

Jared bursts into the room and turns the light on and their eyes meet. For the briefest moment Jared looks like he might get angry ( _he should be angry he should yell at me and hate me and leave and never come back_ ) but his face quickly softens as he kneels beside the bed to put himself at eye level. _Oh Richard, what’s wrong? What happened?_

Richard doesn’t want to tell him because he’s ashamed and he feels guilty and stupid and Jared has been trying so hard to help him and this is basically a giant fuck you to the one person who hasn’t given up on him. But Jared deserves the truth so Richard points a shaky finger to his nightstand where the last 3 days’ pills are sitting. 

_Your medication? Oh, Richard, why?_ Richard feels the tears prick at his eyes ( _nice to know they can do that again_ ) and he whispers that he’s sorry and then he whispers it again and again and he doesn’t know when his voice starts getting louder and he doesn’t know how many times he’s said it but suddenly Jared is holding him to his chest and stroking his hair and telling him it’s okay, he’s okay, he didn’t to anything wrong and the last I’m sorry turns into a sob and then Richard is crying like all the tears he hadn’t cried before were coming out at once.

When the sobbing finally stops, the room is quiet and Richard is shaking in Jared’s arms. Jared asks him if he needs anything and Richard says no because he doesn’t want to need anything, he doesn’t want to be a burden, a responsibility. But then Jared pulls away and Richard surprises himself by gasping and clutching Jared’s shirt because he does need, he needs, he needs so fucking bad. 

_I need you to hold me together, Jared. I’m falling apart I- My whole body, it’s falling apart and if you don’t hold me together- I need you to stop me from falling apart._ Richard knows how ridiculous he sounds but he doesn’t care because he means it and because he knows that Jared will understand and he knows that Jared will hold him together. And he does. And when night falls he doesn’t ask Richard, he just stays. So Richard falls asleep in his arms, and when he wakes up the next morning he isn’t surprised to find that he never let go.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know these are kinda short chapters i just liked it being separated this way

After that, Jared starts spending the night every night. It’s an unspoken agreement ( _it doesn’t need to be spoken, nothing between them ever needs to be spoken_ ) which Richard is thankful for because it means he doesn’t have to ask. 

Some nights he falls asleep in Jared’s arms. Some nights it’s just Jared’s hand resting on his back. Some nights he doesn’t want to be touched so they fall asleep with their backs to each other on opposite sides of the bed. But somehow they always seem to wake up tangled together, intertwined, like they knit themselves together in the middle of the night. They don’t talk about it. They don’t have to. 

Richard agrees to start taking walks with Jared. They explore every corner of the Valley, sometimes emphatically discussing each other’s latest interests, sometimes in comfortable silence. Always cocooned in their own little world. Richard _hates_ being looked at, hates it more than he thinks is normal. But when he’s with Jared it’s impossible to care about any eyes but the massive blue ones that look at him like he’s the most important thing in the world. 

Jared takes him birdwatching. He thinks he’s going to hate it, and at first he does. Richard has never been a patient person. But soon he realizes the true joy of it—watching Jared watch the birds. _There’s nothing more beautiful than watching someone you love do something they love_ , he thinks to himself one morning while Jaredwatching, as he’s taken to calling it. The thought takes him by surprise, makes his heart start beating too fast and his palms get clammy. But then Jared catches his eye and smiles with his entire face and Richard realizes of course he loves Jared. And it’s still a little scary but mostly it isn’t. 

He isn’t sure when the hand-holding starts. He feels like it’s something he should remember, the first time he reaches out and intertwines their fingers. But it just feels so natural, so right that he thinks he must have been doing it his entire life. So they walk down the street holding hands and Richard doesn’t care who sees them or what they’ll think ( _okay he cares a little bit but he cares about everything_ ) because his hand fits so well there and it makes his whole body warm. 

One night, for no particular reason, they crack open a bottle of champagne and drink a little too much of it. Richard imagines the bubbles filling their chests and making them float up and up until their heads hit the ceiling. And Jared says _Do you remember the time in Peter Gregory’s basement when you asked if you could try something_ and Richard says _Yes_ because he does and Jared says _I thought you were going to kiss me_ and Richard says _So did I_ because he did. 

And they end up in Richard’s bed just like every night except it’s not like every night because this time Richard is finding out what Jared’s lips taste like and how his skin feels beneath his fingertips and the sounds he makes when Richard’s teeth graze his neck and what it feels like to come apart in his hands. 

And when he wakes up the next morning and they’re intertwined ( _like usual_ ) and naked ( _not like usual_ ) he doesn’t regret it and he doesn’t regret waking Jared up by kissing his face again and again and again and he doesn’t regret rolling on top of him and kissing down his chest and he definitely doesn’t regret it when Jared takes him in his mouth and the world shatters all around him ( _but in a beautiful way, like a kaleidoscope_ ). 

Things aren’t much different between them after that. Jared still takes care of Richard. They still go on walks and birdwatch. Jared still spends every night in Richard’s bed. The only difference is that now Richard greets Jared with a kiss and Jared calls him things like _sweetie_ and _darling_ which Richard can’t pretend to not like and those nights spent in Richard’s bed are a little more eventful. 

Richard knows that the first time you say _I love you_ is supposed to be some grand occasion but when he says it to Jared over mediocre Chinese takeout it doesn’t feel huge it just feels _right_. And then it becomes just another part of his vocabulary and he never gets tired of saying it. 

When Richard realizes he can’t afford rent anymore the world starts spinning and he throws up breakfast and lunch. But Jared says _Move in with me_ and Richard feels a little stupid for not thinking of that himself. So he moves in and it’s barely any time at all until it feels like home. 

Of course, losing his apartment is a not-so-gentle reminder that he’s going to need to get a job. But when Jared sends him an email full of applications he ends up sobbing and shaking on the floor and Jared says _It’s alright, you’ll get there when you’re ready_. But Richard doesn’t feel like he’ll ever be ready. 

He decides to try medication again because he really only gave it one chance and it takes a few tries but he manages to find one that helps. It doesn’t fix everything, but it gives him a little more energy and he doesn’t feel like he’s drowning quite as often as before. He fills out a few job applications but never turns them in and Jared says he’s proud of him for filling them out at all which makes him feel stupid but also a little better. 

They find out that Dinesh and Gilfoyle have started their own business which makes Richard chuckle and say _I think they’re just going to end up married without even realizing it_ and then he looks at Jared and wonders if that’s exactly what the two of them have done. He imagines marrying Jared and finds he doesn’t mind the thought one bit. 

He texts Dinesh and Gilfoyle to say congratulations and feels a pang of guilt seeing how long it’s been since he last texted them. A few minutes later he gets a response from Gilfoyle:

**We’re having a launch party on Saturday. Not too many people. If you and Jared want to come that’s fine.**

Richard smiles at the Gilfoyle-ness of the message, but the thought of going to a party with people he doesn’t know (and people he knows, for that matter) is petrifying. He’s composing a text to say I’m sorry, I’d love to, but when Gilfoyle texts again: 

**I know you’ve been having a rough time but we’d really like to have you there. If you hate it you can leave, but at least drop by.**

And then a few seconds later: 

**We miss you.**

The absolute lack of Gilfoyle-ness in that message is a shock to Richard’s system. He shows it to Jared to make sure it’s real (it is) and maybe it’s the insanity of Gilfoyle saying it or maybe it’s the boost from the medication or maybe it’s the fact that he really does miss his friends, but he decides to respond:

**Yeah, we’ll be there :)**

He regrets the smiley face immediately but he’s forgotten how to text people. A minute or two later, Gilfoyle replies:

**Cool. See you there. Dinesh is so excited he pissed his pants.**

And then another text, this one from Dinesh:

**Did Gilfoyle say I pissed my pants? I did not piss my pants.**

**I am excited to see you though. I guess.**

Richard doesn’t notice that he’s crying until Jared wipes away a tear and kisses his face. _Happy tears?_ Jared asks. _Happy tears._

The night of the party, Richard almost chickens out 4 different times: once in the morning, once before leaving the apartment, once while stopped at a red light, and once right before entering the building. But each time, Jared takes his hand and it’s just enough to keep him going. 

When they walk into the offices holding hands, Richard’s 90% sure he sees Dinesh begrudgingly hand money to Gilfoyle. They greet each other with slightly awkward hugs and it’s a little uncomfortable and a little tense but Jared doesn’t let go of his hand and it’s just enough. Dinesh and Gilfoyle show them around and when Richard makes a comment about their desks being right next to each other he’s met with identical glares which he can’t help but laugh at. And then Jared is laughing and then Dinesh and Gilfoyle are laughing and the four of them are standing there laughing until there are tears in their eyes, just like Richard and Jared that one morning on Richard’s couch. 

The rest of the night isn’t quite like old times but it’s not too far off and when Monica and Big Head show up they end up telling stories from the days of the Hostel and Pied Piper that no one else at the party finds particularly interesting. And Richard realizes it’s the first time he’s talked about Pied Piper since it died and it doesn’t make him sad. 

Every now and then he catches Jared looking at him and he smiles, hoping to communicate _I’m okay_ and _thank you for everything_ and _I love you_ all at the same time. He thinks Jared gets it. 

It turns out Big Head has somehow ended up the president of Stanford, which Richard makes a valiant effort not to laugh at but in the end really makes perfect sense. And then Big Head offers him a job teaching ethics and it’s so perfect that Richard starts to panic and is on his way to vomiting when Jared notices and quickly puts a hand on his back, grounding him. Big Head says _it’s no big deal_ and _it’s up to you_ and _just let me know if you want it_ and Jared gives Richard a smile that says _we’ll talk about it later._

They somehow end up on the roof of the building watching the sun rise, and no one brings up the parallel but everyone’s thinking about it (except Big Head, who probably wouldn’t notice it even if he had been there). And for the first time in who knows how long Richard feels something he wasn’t sure he’d ever feel again. Something warm and bright and so, so beautiful. _Hope._


	4. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i needed it to have a happily ever after. for my sake and yours <3

Richard fidgets nervously with his wedding band ( _an unexpected perk of getting married—he always has something to do with his hands_ ) as he watches Jared in the kitchen preparing appetizers. He had protested the idea of a housewarming party ( _Jared, our house has central heating- yes, yeah I know that’s not what it means_ ) but had agreed to it when Jared pointed out that housewarming gifts would mean fewer things they had to buy. 

Guests start arriving. Big Head (who is now technically Richard’s boss) shows up first, because he thought the party had started an hour ago (which they may have intentionally told him). Monica is next, arm in arm with her girlfriend, Angela (they’ve been dating for about six months and still no one knows what her job is, although no one really knows that Monica’s job is either). Dinesh and Gilfoyle show up together (no one is really sure whether or not they’re living together, and anyone who asks usually ends up regretting it) and immediately make themselves at home on the couch playing video games. Next is Ron LaFlamme, who has unexpectedly become a close friend of theirs. No one knows how Russ got the address or even knew the party was happening but he brings a lot of expensive-looking gifts so they decide to let him in. 

The party isn’t perfect ( _but who could ever expect it to be?_ ). Dinesh and Gilfoyle get into a fight that almost turns physical over which of them brought the better gift. Russ makes some extremely uncomfortable comments towards Monica and Angela. Ron says something about divorce lawyers that neither Jared nor Richard is sure is a joke. Everyone drinks a little too much _Tres Comas_ and says things they wouldn’t say sober. 

But at the end of the night, when the last of the guests are gone and Jared puts his arms around Richard and asks _Was it as awful as you thought it would be?_ Richard just grins up at him. _It was the best party I’ve ever been to in my life._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading!! comments and kudos and all that good stuff are sustenance to me please leave them :):):) you can find me on twitter at @OBERHOLT if you didn't already come from there


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